


it's a bird, it's a plane, it's a... groupchat?

by purnell (orphan_account)



Category: The Martian (2015), The Martian - All Media Types, The Martian - Andy Weir
Genre: Gen, groupchat hijinks, memes or whatever, sort of my fun little take on these six losers staying in touch after getting back to earth, yes beck and johanssen are together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-09 19:49:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8909728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/purnell
Summary: After a safe flight home, the crew of the Ares III mission to Mars organize a groupchat to keep in touch.





	1. Chapter 1

Johanssen: look it's a groupchat

Watney: Oh I see

Martinez: Wow!!! I haven't talked to you guys in three whole hours

Watney: Have you missed me?

Martinez: Gross

**Watney** named the conversation "Martinez missed me"

  
**Martinez** named the conversation "Try me again I dare you"

  
**Watney** named the conversation "Martinez.... missed........me"

  
**Lewis** named the conversation "Ares III"

Watney: You're so boring Lewis

Lewis: I do my best

Johanssen: lmao so yeah i just thought a groupchat would be fun so we can keep up and everything  
Johanssen: watney aren't you in PT?

Watney: Should be. My parents are missing and since I'm, apparently, too dangerous behind the wheel, Kapoor's on his way to pick me up.  
Watney: It was funny, I called his work phone and when I said, "It's Watney" he went, "What'd he do this time?"

Martinez: Gotta love him

Watney: I'm asking him to pick me up some Chick-fil-A

Beck: Watney

Watney: Of course you show up right fucking now  
Watney: Ways to summon Beck  
1\. Tell him I'm eating fast food  
2\. Mention Star Wars  
Watney: He said no don't get your panties in a twist

Beck: Good  
Beck: Good good man

Lewis: Harsh

Watney: He said he, quote, "has better things to do"  
Watney: Man this is what I come home to

Vogel: Sorry I'm late. My phone has been charging. Are you still coming over tonight, Mark?

Watney: Hell yeah (if it's okay with you and your lovely wife)  
Watney: (and your kids but they love me so I ain't worried)

Martinez: *am not

Vogel: It's okay with us! We are making homemade fries so....

Watney: Vogel you're my favorite person

Beck: Are you guys hanging out,,, without us,, what kind of betrayal

Johanssen: you're so fake you literally just told me how tired you are of being around everyone 24/7

Watney: The Truth Comes Out

Martinez: That exposure

Watney: Beck that hurts

Beck: I'm sorry I

Watney: Who's Beck??¿ I don't know a Beck??????

Martinez: Who is he????? Even if I did know a Beck I certainly wouldn't invite him to things??????? I'd definitely hate his guts ???

Watney: Beck cancelled

**Martinez** named the conversation "People I care about and Beck"

Johannsen: drag him

Watney: Kapoor's here!!!! He says hi

Lewis: Hey Kapoor!!!

Vogel: Hi!

Martinez: Hey man  
Martinez: Tell him my son thinks he's suave

Watney: He says he's the suavest  
Watney: This is the man in charge of missions to Mars

Johanssen: Tell him I said hi, too!

Beck: Me also me also

Watney: He says he doesn't know a Beck

Beck: You lie

Watney: I'm a man of truths

Beck: "I met Nikki Minaj in third grade"  
Beck: "There's no food between your teeth"

Martinez: "I love Star Wars"

Johanssen: "My name's Greatman McAwesomeness"

Vogel: "I can speak German"

Martinez: "You're ugly Martinez"

Watney: Okay but those last two aren't lies

Vogel: You can speak German? Go on

Watney: Hallo

Vogel: Yes?

Watney: That's it that's all I've got

Johanssen: [IMG_8284]

Watney: Did you just send a meme

Martinez: Johanssen's a fuckening memer

Watney: That's a new age meme too. You missed the golden years my young friend

Johanssen: im tryin

Lewis: She's tryin

Vogel: Guess what I'm doing

Johanssen: eating a sausage

Vogel: Eating sausage

Watney: Meanwhile

Beck: Wait Watney did you say your parents are missing

Watney: Thirty minutes ago? Yeah. Probably off getting peace and quiet.  
Watney: I don't know if you've noticed but I can be pretty loud.

Martinez: No really you're kidding

Johanssen: next on Stating the Obvious, vogel announces he's german  
Johanssen: lewis tells us she likes disco  
Johanssen: beck says he's a neat-freak

Martinez: Doesn't he make you organize your socks by color and length

Johanssen: and fabric

Watney: Oh dear

Beck: It's better that way

Watney: Well, this /has/ been fun, but I'm going into PT.

Martinez: Tell Pietro I've missed his musk

Watney: We get it, you're free from the horror that is Physical Training

Martinez: I'm happy and healthy, shaky-legs

Watney: This is emotional abuse

Lewis: Martinez be nice, Watney get off your phone

Watney: Aye aye, cap

Martinez: Never 


	2. Chapter 2

Lewis: Got some bad news. Annie scheduled us a late night interview next Saturday. Mandatory. Tickets paid from Houston Hobby to JFK and back

Watney: Fuuuuuccckkkkkk  
Watney: Please tell me you're kidding

Martinez: Tell her Martinez is dead and won't be able to make it

Watney: RIP man

Johanssen: shit wait are tickets not covered TO houston hobby

Lewis: Afraid not. That's out of pocket

Johanssen: frickin shoot me

Watney: Wait. You're not in Houston? Where'd you go?

Johanssen: jeez somebody's nosy

Watney: My sincerest apologies. How dare I question the whereabouts of a friend

Johanssen: :D :D :D

Watney: Don't :D :D :D me

Johanssen: :D :D :D

Watney: I hate you

Johanssen: D: D: D:

Vogel: What show is it Lewis?

Lewis: You know, I should've asked that. So sorry guys. I'll give her a call

Watney: Damn. I can't believe it. You're useless Lewis

Johanssen: you just can't stop fucking up

Martinez: How utterly ridiculous  
Martinez: Think a little more next time

Johanssen: be better lewis

Watney: I don't think Lewis does enough for us

Martinez: You're right. Lewis does absolutely nothing for us

Johanssen: nothing whatsoever. i think she secretly hates us

Martinez: Shame shame Lewis  
Martinez: I thought we were friends  
Martinez: And then you forget to ask what show we're gonna be on?? Horrible

Johanssen: shameful

Watney: Fucking catastrophic

Lewis: Okay guys [EMOJI_Laughing_Face]  
Lewis: Annie says The Tonight Show

Vogel: Neat-o

Watney: Neat-o

Johanssen: when vogel and watney send the exact same dad text at the exact same time #dadsconfirmed  
Johanssen: beck's with his parents in case you guys are wondering why he's mia

Martinez: Ok cool

Watney: Placing bets on the questions we're gonna get Saturday

Johanssen: $1000 on "How did you keep your sense of humor?"

Martinez: "What was that Sirius joke about?"

Lewis: Fifty on "Do you still feel guilty?"

Martinez: "How do you feel about people reading your logs?"

Johanssen: *deep voice* i know if it were me, i would've died in the first five minutes.  
Johanssen: *cue audience laughter*  
Johanssen: how did you manage to keep yourself alive and well in the face of overwhelming odds stacked against you?

Vogel: Such a dumb question

Watney: "Did you know Aquaman can control whales because he can actually control most, if not all, aquatic creatures?"

Johanssen: "beth, instead of asking you a question about the mission, i want to know how you kept your hair so nicely cut?"

Martinez: PLEASE

Watney: I mean, I've wondered that myself  
Watney: But yeah. Annoying question

Lewis: It's because you're a *whisper* woman in STEM

Watney: [IMG_148]

Martinez: Spill that mf tea

Vogel: "Do you think there will be a movie about you?"

Watney: THAT QUESTION. I HATE THAT QUESTION.

Martinez: Remember in Seattle  
Martinez: Watney's answer was gold I tell ya  
Martinez: "There's gotta be a porn somewhere"

Johanssen: aspfhlcifoh  
Johanssen: "I mean what else would you need"

Lewis: I'm so glad I wasn't there

Watney: Am I too embarrassing

Lewis: Yep

Watney: Gosh Mom

Lewis: "So Beck and Johanssen...?"

Johanssen: how accurate they literally never finish the question

Martinez: Because it would end like "are you lovers in the nighttime" and they can't say that on TV

 **Watney** named the conversation "Beck and Johanssen are lovers in the nighttime"

 **Johanssen** named the conversation "why"

 **Martinez** named the conversation "because when a man and woman love each other very much"

 **Martinez** named the conversation "or man and man"

 **Martinez** named the conversation "woman and woman"

 **Martinez** named the conversation "anybody and anybody"

 **Watney** named the conversation "Martinez we get it you're ignorant"

 **Martinez** named the conversation "Shut up plantfucker69"

 **Martinez** named the conversation "When a man and a plant love each other very much"

Vogel: Johanssen look what you started

Johanssen: mE  
Johanssen: i'm not responsible for the behavior of these men in their 40s

Watney: Shhh we don't talk about that

Johanssen: okay old man

Watney: Lewis is older than me!!

Johanssen: and she's an immortal goddess!!

 **Martinez** named the conversation "When a Johanssen and a Lewis love each other very much"

Johanssen: [EMOJI_Grinning]

Lewis: There are way way worse things

Johanssen: ily

Lewis: Yeah okay

Martinez: I love you too Jo

Johanssen: i definitely wasn't talking to you

Martinez: Sorry I can't hear you over your undying love for me

Beck: Okay I'm back  
Beck: Shit guys  
Beck: What'd I miss?  
Beck: I'm scrolling back and omg  
Beck: I leave for two hours

Watney: Your fault for leaving hombre

Martinez: Watney you're too white

Watney: To say hombre?

Martinez: To say anything

Vogel: We missed you Beckster

Watney: Yeah Beckster we missed the crap outta you

 **Martinez** named the conversation "When a Watney and a Beck and a Vogel love each other very much" 

**Author's Note:**

> this is literally me just having fun with the characters. if anything's ooc, i apologize, but it's not a real serious fic so idk. i hope you've enjoyed!!! more chapters to come


End file.
